Why I don't have balls

One of my friends is doing a thesis on a sexist model that paints women as timid and non-confrontational. He has made me aware of what a "girl" I am. So this model says that women would prefer to "tend and befriend" any threatening object instead of the traditional fight or flight model. They say that from an evolutionary point of view it would be cleverer for a woman to look after or become friendly towards things that are out of control based on their roles as carriers of the next generation as well as their relative muscle inferiority. When a stressor enters the environment men will kill it or hide away (sound familiar?) and women will look after it or become its friend. This model has been shown to have many flaws. For me, it all depends on the object. If it was a mosquito, or excessive facial hair, or crime, I would kill it or escape from it. However with humans I'm different. If I kill the bitchy cashier for example, who's going to ensure I get what I want? Running away's not very goal-orientated either. Anyways fighting takes too much effort and is usually the least emotionally intelligent response when it's done in a hostile and confrontational manner. Lol I'm imagining how OH is scrunching up his nose right now. I must comment on his sweet post dedicated to me. So the point of all this babble is I won't kill you or ignore you if I sense you can hurt me. I will accept your existence and try and up the friendly atmosphere. This is in my "sheltered" environment. I hope if I'm getting raped I'll gouge the bastard's eyes out. I dont't know if this makes me a girl or an emotionally intelligent human.

On Music- I accept sometimes the best thing about it is what Was calls poetic license. For example, I love Sunona Sunona in Chalte Chalte even though it was the suckiest relationship ever.

Lists

I feel like an Alzheimer's patient.

I make lists for everything.

I even like to write in bullet points.

Anyways I'm doing Kay's challenge as well as one I set up for myself.

Coolness of My Eyes (1):

My controversial view on marriage can be summed up in one sentence: I don't think it's compulsory on me unless I meet someone worth it. This has led to many heated arguments with many people I love but I am not willing to negotiate on this. In the spirit of having standards, I have decided to come up with criteria. I used to believe that marriage should be the natural accompaniment of the feeling of having a ten year old crush, you just wake up one day and realise without it being too compliacted that this person is someone you don't want to live without. But I never just meandered into that situation, and yet there are opportunities that I need to consider. I think if you reject a marriage proposal you should have clear ideas on what are your reasons for and against this, as you owe it in a way to the other person and yourself to know what your decision is being based upon. The following is a list of things I pray Allah SWT grants me in a partner and if these things are not what He intends, He give me the strength to accept it.

1. Respect: This is not something that should be demanded or even hinted at. From the first moment of our acquanintance I would like him to bestow the rights my Creator has ordained, to know thast women are metaphorically clothed in silk of the highest quality and jewels of the most precious minerals, and should be treated with the utmost humility.

2. Admiration: of what I do, who I am, what I love. This is more than just blind infatuation, it is an acceptance and enthusiasm of the things that I consider essential to my being. It must be that he looks up to his wife’s accomplishments and is proud to support them.

3. My family: they have nurtured me in every way possible, good and bad. I think this is a mutual thing in that I should also respect his family for all they have done to make him what he is.

4. Dignity and integrity in all he does such that every one who knows him admires the character

with which he executes his actions. I don’t care about recommendations based on family status, or wealth, or lineage, or popularity. Just as the Quraysh of makkah would call the Prophet SAW Al Ameen and As Sadiq, I would want those who know him to say that there are qualities about him that have left an impression on them.

5, Passion for himself and all he is and all he does. How can I love someone who does not intensely love himself?

I do not need to add Islam as a category because his Islam will be reflected to me in all the above.

Coolness of my eyes (2)

1. I want them to have lots of cousins (which alhumz is the case)
2. I want us to have long huge family brunches on Sundays where the whole morning and half of the afternoon goes in eating and talking
3. I want them to read the stories of the Sahaba instead of messed up Disney fairytales
4. I want them to choose their clothing based on colour and texture and personality instead of supposed brand names or fashion
5. Whether they are adopted or not I will fight for them to have a sense of Be-Long-Ing.
6. I want them to laugh in the face of all types of fear except that relating to their Creator. I know this will never be the case.

Be-Long-Ing

I am more like them than I have ever cared to admit. It struck me in the corridoor today as I was muttering to myself and bumped into Henry. Embarrassed I apologised for being crazy. Smiling he replied that after working with me for so long, he knows I can't be still. I need to be running around or doodling or chatting to myself. And I realised I get that from my dad. And sometimes, it really gets to me that he's not chilled out but now that it's a trait we share, I like it more. I think part of growing up is accepting this is where I come from. That I learnt or inherited (the answer to the nature or nurture debate has always been fixed in my mind as nurture/nature), to be timid and gentle from my mum makes me smile now. For so long I have wanted to "be my own person" and now I realise it is the coolest feeling ever to understand how you are what you are.

At the same time I am intrigued by, and anticipate, a sojourn of tabula rasa. A place of being known as nothing and no one. No "I grew up in the same building as your dad" or "I served on Cancer Care with you mum" or "You're the fourth of the pretty sisters?" or "Mariam's other half" or "the MSA Halqa girl at the coffee shop". I know it will sting and burn and I will hate knowing that others do not know me. And yet at the same time it could be the greates test of who I am, to fight for all I have become....

I'm at the Age where I realise Something's Missing...

And I know exactly what it is. A hobby. Somthing that gives me that shivery feeling.
I've tried a few things and nothing's really settled. Shooting, as fun as it is, is too aggressive and gunpowdery. Cooking, despite the Cool Feel of masala dhabba's, is too masie-ish. Cycling and all other sporty things fail because I'm not a natural athlete. Extreme stuff fail because they have no intrinsic meaning to me. Blogging and design are too PC-bound. Reading is too cliche.

I've done a quick review of the bloggers and their hobbies to help me out:

*Saaleha makes cards and calendars, Waseem and MJ play video games, Azra travels, WIP watches Summit TV, Kay hoards quotes and journals, Aasia does comedy, Azad has a directing fetish, ZubHab cycles, Dew draws and designs, Bilal gets imprisoned, Zesty baths Abdullah, Princess bakes cupcakes, Haniefa buys trinkets off the net, NK does pencil art, The Blogger hikes, BB drapes her scarf awesomely, OH swears, erm ok now I'm making up stuff.

The last time I did Art was in Grade 5 because in Grade 6 I cut out all non essential subjects to do Hifdh. But I was thinking maybe scrapbooking because I hoard letters and trinkets and stuff. Any suggestions (Yes, I've already got pole dancing instructor lets keep it to stuff I'll actually use in this life time)...

*Please forgive me for not linking everyone there seemed to be better stuff to use time on. If you want links check out my Viral Splotches.

I didn't jump

On the way in the car:

Friend: I was driving slow in go-karts and no one could take over me. Bwuhahaha
Me: You used to make the engines for ferraris. How can you drive slow? When you create something don't you have to appreciate its form and purpose?
Friend: Your parents created you and they don't understand you.
CHECKMATE!!

I didn't jump.
I can't explain why.
I don't like myself for it. I was on the edge and ready.
I did other crazy stuff afterwards to compensate, but its tough.
Not being in control of your mind. Let. Go. Of. The. Railing.
There are still many bars in my mind that need bending.