Between my shadow and my soul

Useless skin

Mein ruh ist hin, Mein herz ist schwer


Tear his skin under your fingernails, but
The ferocity of your hate
Boomerangs your shoulders into convulsions

A woman's body is a temple, wash your hands and feet,
Remove your shoes, but this was a half-drunk opportunist
Posing as a begar just to urinate on the brocade

I am no Prophetic example, I will not kill
But I cannot forgive

Why I don't have balls

One of my friends is doing a thesis on a sexist model that paints women as timid and non-confrontational. He has made me aware of what a "girl" I am. So this model says that women would prefer to "tend and befriend" any threatening object instead of the traditional fight or flight model. They say that from an evolutionary point of view it would be cleverer for a woman to look after or become friendly towards things that are out of control based on their roles as carriers of the next generation as well as their relative muscle inferiority. When a stressor enters the environment men will kill it or hide away (sound familiar?) and women will look after it or become its friend. This model has been shown to have many flaws. For me, it all depends on the object. If it was a mosquito, or excessive facial hair, or crime, I would kill it or escape from it. However with humans I'm different. If I kill the bitchy cashier for example, who's going to ensure I get what I want? Running away's not very goal-orientated either. Anyways fighting takes too much effort and is usually the least emotionally intelligent response when it's done in a hostile and confrontational manner. Lol I'm imagining how OH is scrunching up his nose right now. I must comment on his sweet post dedicated to me. So the point of all this babble is I won't kill you or ignore you if I sense you can hurt me. I will accept your existence and try and up the friendly atmosphere. This is in my "sheltered" environment. I hope if I'm getting raped I'll gouge the bastard's eyes out. I dont't know if this makes me a girl or an emotionally intelligent human.

On Music- I accept sometimes the best thing about it is what Was calls poetic license. For example, I love Sunona Sunona in Chalte Chalte even though it was the suckiest relationship ever.

Joie de vivre is also...

When u discuss Surah Feel and God's images make you visualise the beginning of the battle scenes in 300 and LOTR and you can hear the elephants' hooves moving to the drumbeats.

And you discuss how raindrops were created so mercifully like parachutes and tingle our skins instead of like anything else that reaches terminal velocity would pierce it.

Hearing a story of the rich miser who had a beggar pestering him all the time. He finally relented and got the beggar the yoghurt he was asking for. Then the beggar asked for bread and he got angry. That night he dreamt he was in the beautiful gardens of paradise and he was hungry and he looked and looked and looked for food. And finally an angel brought him some yoghurt. And he said I'm really hungry I want bread too. And the angel said that's all you sent here...;)

And Ibraheem AS abolished human sacrifice, God needs no sustenance.

And snapshots in my head that don't project here.

I think my Joie de vivre obsession is about understanding life through living it instead of letting the understanding stop me from being alive.

Joie de Vivre....

Pic: Amelie (my supposed alter ego) as a child.

is a freshly baked rye slice sprinkled with canola, layered with cheese and garnished with a home made organic fig preserve, presented with the utmost sneaky intent.

It is also making assembly lines at fruit and veg and wanting to bury your masie's jewellery box in the garden to be a pirate.

Where is now?
Be there

Fragmented but not fiction

Sometimes when the world locks you up in your own mind,
It's the safest place for you to be.

Act 24 Scene 1

This was our soundtrack in the first year of Uni.
All reflections through my other life anniversaries were as a typical rollercoaster ride.
This is different in one respect. There IS more.
Instead of the usual agonizing climbs and thrilling rushes towards the ground, there were more climbs. Just when I wanted to stop and catch my breath, out of nowhere appeared higher peaks with no reverse options. I learnt patience. I learnt fear. Fear that my body would kill my soul. Fear that there would be no confidence to translate opprotunity and potential into success. Fear that the peaks of responsibility and obligation were insurmountable. These fears shall be my companions forever now. But I have got my wish, there is more to Life...

Act 23 Scene 365

Elysium leaned in the doorway.

She looked up and immediately down again, to hide the shame of the angry blush that rose to her cheeks. "You lied", she said the words slowly, determinedly, to hide the desperation of needing him to prove her wrong, to live up to her heart's desires. "All that you said, you never became. When I was in battle with all you taught me, you were nowhere to be seen. Deceitful hypocrite."

"You cannot believe in people, komitrou. Remember Dumbledore and Mandela, the countless humans who were just one rung. What you call deception I call being gentle. What you believe to be your enemies, would remain so in my presence as well as my absence."

"I began to love you," she whispered, "I mended your flaws with my every precious and painful emotion".

"That was not my intention." He left her chamber and they never met again.

Of poisonous projective identifications and cathartic castrations

The paradox of Buridan's ass as Kyria Pelagia knew well enough was that there was a lack of roubola and her father's literary travails in the rum cake for the goat. Rosemary hair does not always conceal a brain that is better left where koritsimou Lemoni digs in the ground for snails and yet does not get sent to Piraeus. The day was a paradox because she realised that Antonia was the closest she would ever become to being alive and also because hate was just as misplaced as hurt. We direct them at others and they boomerang back with the velocity invertly exponentiated by Mussolini's honesty. Va fanculo is all he can say when I confront him in my mind.

Imagine having Greek and Italian blood. Imagine fleeing religious or political persecution instead of economic. Imagine.

On the 8th of June 2009

Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

Dwight Eisenhower

My greatest leadership failure.

It was a cold blistery afternoon...

when Mikaeel decided to look after me as I was "fick". We switched on animal planet, and cuddled undet the blanket. And the conversation went summin like this:

M: Look, Look, Look, Look!
N: What?
M: Bear. I bear. Roaaaaar!!!!
M: Hide now! I bear! Roaarrrr!!!
I go under the blanket, he comes under with me.
M: Bear coming. And wolf. Roaaar!!!!
Pulls my by the hair out of blanket.
M: Look, look, look, look!!
N: What?
M: Pretty hair
Points to my hair.
M: Vrrrom vrrrooom (squashes his knuckles in a circular fashion on my hair)
M: I drying hair. Hair wet. Hair shiny, smells nice. I wash it.
Vrrrooom vrrrroom.
N: Look, loook, look!!
M: What?
N: Nani!! Nani wants to watch TV with Mikaeel now.

Inspired by Soul Soap Season One Episode 4- The Clot

I Pray Openly (to the tune of Natasha Bedingfield's I bruise easily)

The world is a prayer mat, with one centre

I expose my shame, but it’s so uplifting

So I cover up, banish arrogance, my body is a shroud,

I fall in Your Love, trust easily, leave the world to be

I pray openly, let them stare in incredulity,

There’s flight in my bowing, like nitrus on a Ferrari,

I pray openly, don’t ignore the submission you see

Everywhere, I pray openly, I pray openly

My knees imprint on the stone of a parking lot,

Fitting rooms, restaurants, even the outside of a movie theatre,

But this is my truth, my flame I return to, away from the cold,

So I can’t miss one Salaah, there’s no other truth calling me

This prayer, keeps me alive, living

This prayer, keeps me alive, living

God is great

Forget the world

Far away

I will fly

The world is a prayer mat, with one centre

I expose my shame, but its so uplifting

So I cover up, banish arrogance, my body is a shroud,

I fall in Your Love, trust easily, leave the world to be

I pray openly, let them stare in incredulity,

There’s flight in my bowing, like nitrus on a Ferrari,

I pray openly, don’t ignore the submission you see

Everywhere, I pray openly, I pray openly