Nightmare

The music must go on and
On, like the tinny swan lake
Music in my first jewellery box
Where a ballerina pirouetted
repetitively, our roles rotate,
hips distanced in the dramatic
crescendo, and when the lilt returns
we whirl into each other, and smile
to the ghastly rhythm

Lists

I feel like an Alzheimer's patient.

I make lists for everything.

I even like to write in bullet points.

Anyways I'm doing Kay's challenge as well as one I set up for myself.

Coolness of My Eyes (1):

My controversial view on marriage can be summed up in one sentence: I don't think it's compulsory on me unless I meet someone worth it. This has led to many heated arguments with many people I love but I am not willing to negotiate on this. In the spirit of having standards, I have decided to come up with criteria. I used to believe that marriage should be the natural accompaniment of the feeling of having a ten year old crush, you just wake up one day and realise without it being too compliacted that this person is someone you don't want to live without. But I never just meandered into that situation, and yet there are opportunities that I need to consider. I think if you reject a marriage proposal you should have clear ideas on what are your reasons for and against this, as you owe it in a way to the other person and yourself to know what your decision is being based upon. The following is a list of things I pray Allah SWT grants me in a partner and if these things are not what He intends, He give me the strength to accept it.

1. Respect: This is not something that should be demanded or even hinted at. From the first moment of our acquanintance I would like him to bestow the rights my Creator has ordained, to know thast women are metaphorically clothed in silk of the highest quality and jewels of the most precious minerals, and should be treated with the utmost humility.

2. Admiration: of what I do, who I am, what I love. This is more than just blind infatuation, it is an acceptance and enthusiasm of the things that I consider essential to my being. It must be that he looks up to his wife’s accomplishments and is proud to support them.

3. My family: they have nurtured me in every way possible, good and bad. I think this is a mutual thing in that I should also respect his family for all they have done to make him what he is.

4. Dignity and integrity in all he does such that every one who knows him admires the character

with which he executes his actions. I don’t care about recommendations based on family status, or wealth, or lineage, or popularity. Just as the Quraysh of makkah would call the Prophet SAW Al Ameen and As Sadiq, I would want those who know him to say that there are qualities about him that have left an impression on them.

5, Passion for himself and all he is and all he does. How can I love someone who does not intensely love himself?

I do not need to add Islam as a category because his Islam will be reflected to me in all the above.

Coolness of my eyes (2)

1. I want them to have lots of cousins (which alhumz is the case)
2. I want us to have long huge family brunches on Sundays where the whole morning and half of the afternoon goes in eating and talking
3. I want them to read the stories of the Sahaba instead of messed up Disney fairytales
4. I want them to choose their clothing based on colour and texture and personality instead of supposed brand names or fashion
5. Whether they are adopted or not I will fight for them to have a sense of Be-Long-Ing.
6. I want them to laugh in the face of all types of fear except that relating to their Creator. I know this will never be the case.

The Skies of My Jannah

Bahz ibn Hakim's grandfather said, I asked, "Messenger of Allah, to whom should I be dutiful?" He replied, "Your mother." I asked, "Then whom?" He replied, "Your mother." I asked, "Then whom?" He replied, "Your mother." I asked, "Then whom?" He replied, "Your mother." I asked, "Then to whom should I be dutiful?" He replied, "Your father,and then the next closest relative and then the next."

Why do we publish, Antonio asks

We publish I think not because we think we are Plaths or Picasso's.
Not bacuse these words are any grander than those scribbled by a toddler using a pencil for the first time.
But because our writing is the one thing we can fully own, and that we all can try.
Not that we don't "borrow", God knows there is no copyright on inspiration save for His bounty.
I publish because from the time I could write there were scraps everywhere.
Until high school of course, Puberty makes things seem preciouser, how can you expose any more when life feels like a constant spotlight.
And until Waseem told me this is something you do,and not some thing you are given, I began.
And every click on publish affirms I am thinking, moving. Not ground breakingly, but there is evidence of activity.
And blog activity for us is inextricably linked to something alive in our minds.

Be-Long-Ing

I am more like them than I have ever cared to admit. It struck me in the corridoor today as I was muttering to myself and bumped into Henry. Embarrassed I apologised for being crazy. Smiling he replied that after working with me for so long, he knows I can't be still. I need to be running around or doodling or chatting to myself. And I realised I get that from my dad. And sometimes, it really gets to me that he's not chilled out but now that it's a trait we share, I like it more. I think part of growing up is accepting this is where I come from. That I learnt or inherited (the answer to the nature or nurture debate has always been fixed in my mind as nurture/nature), to be timid and gentle from my mum makes me smile now. For so long I have wanted to "be my own person" and now I realise it is the coolest feeling ever to understand how you are what you are.

At the same time I am intrigued by, and anticipate, a sojourn of tabula rasa. A place of being known as nothing and no one. No "I grew up in the same building as your dad" or "I served on Cancer Care with you mum" or "You're the fourth of the pretty sisters?" or "Mariam's other half" or "the MSA Halqa girl at the coffee shop". I know it will sting and burn and I will hate knowing that others do not know me. And yet at the same time it could be the greates test of who I am, to fight for all I have become....